13.07.2025

Letting go.

Very long story very short, my brother turned out to be a TERF.

Okay fine, I'll explain just a little bit.
My brother and I, we always had a complicated relationship, I guess that's what happens when everyone has their own things to deal with. And our family is kinda messy anyway.We lost contact when we were teens and I've been trying to make my way back to him ever since, but with time I got tired of chasing after someone who didn't seem to care. As I grew old I eventually understood why he wasn't ready yet. This year he came back out of nowhere, after years of ghosting everyone, saying that he needed to feel close to his family.

I wasn't planning on talking about my transition, not because I'm trying to hide it but because it felt too soon and unnecessary to talk about it first hand after 15 years of silence. But he asked me about a recent medical procedure I had and as I said, I'm not trying to hide it. So I talked about my transition. And let me tell you, it went baaaaaad.
To give you a very brief summary, he did his "research" and sent me a bunch of TERF's resources. As if he was teaching anything to me. As if as a trans* individual I wasn't bombarded by same "resources" every day.Anyway, he had the basic transphobic speech: it's an ideology, I'm destroying my body and trans people SA kids in the bathroom. Imagine having your own brother telling you that you could SA kids in the bathroom... I know we haven't talked to eachother for many years but damn... Yeah this one hurts.

I am well aware that most of the time people treat you like a monster just because they are ignorant, and considering his social environnement of course he his ignorant. There's nothing wrong with that, we're all ignorant at some point. Not wanting to learn, that's the problem (and that works for everything).I begged him to listen to me. I was hopping that by watching me he would learn and understand a little better, and that way he would be less scared. But he chose not to listen to me, instead he chose to listen to hateful people. He said he was scared for my health, I thought that meant he cared for me. But being right was more important that listening to me.
His reaction doesn't come for a place of love, it comes from the ego. His need to maintain this image of "the older and wiser", was stronger than his love for me, or at least what he calls love.

It's the second time in my life that I have to beg someone. It took me a few weeks to realise that, yes, I was once again begging for someone to love me. I'm tired, and this goes further than just my transition. I'm tired of begging for love, from lovers and now family. I went through too much to repeat the same mistakes again. Hurtting someone and calling it love? No. I'm not falling for that trap again.

"I don't know what hurts the most, holding on or letting go." But I know which one allows you to heal despite the pain. I have held on tight for the past 15 years, now is the time to let go.

It's not the first time, it won't be the last.